Expendables 2: God's Gift to Humanity

Why is The Expendables 2 pretty much one of the greatest movies ever created (a fact that provokes me to believe it was directed by The Eternal One himself)? Well to put it simply, it is the hiatus of the synthesis of the two best movie genres known to man: the action movie, characterized by yoked bad asses shooting guns at other people and annihilating everything in their path, and the comedy, characterized by hilarious jokes that cause people to literally pee from extreme enjoyment and some of the most memorable lines in movie history (for me at least). It may be rational to think that a genre so serious and caught up in its own awesomeness, such as the action genre, could never stoop so low to accept the low standards and self-deprecation of the comedy genre, but Expendables 2 manages to bring these two seemingly incompatible genres together in the most awesome and beautiful way possible.

Just look at the cast Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Chuck Norris, Randy Couture, Terry Crews, Liam Hemsworth, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Willis, and the freaking governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger  How is that not a recipe for the most epic movie ever. Even with this all star class, this movie succeeded for one reason, it didn't give two heaping turds about its image or how classy it was or how serious and dramatic it was. It didn't care, which was why it was so exhilarating and hilarious.

The first movie failed because it took itself too seriously, it tried to be approachable by actually caring about its image and stupid crap like character development, but similar to a shady guy in a van promising candy, people didn't latch on to it, mostly because the script was bad and though the facade was typical deep movie bull crap, the core was ridiculous stupid action. People felt  that The Expendables was lying to them by trying to wear the mask of a good movie, when in reality it was quite bad.

The Expendables 2 did away with all that makeup and revealed itself as the ugly duckling it really is, and furthermore, it relished in its hideousness and went out of its way to make itself the least sophisticated movie of all time. And this, against all odds, made every single soul love and enjoy The Expendables 2. Disregard the bad reviews, these people are just sauerkrauts that are too callous to admit that they loved this movie and thoroughly enjoyed it more than any other movie ever made. Why did the ugly duckling strategy work? Well this movie had great action, self-deprecating humor, and allusions to other famous action movies. The action was literally non stop, and constantly punctuated by some hilarity caused by epic one liners, or the simply over-the-top action scenes; which in all truth, were absolutely ridiculous, and the likes of which have and never shall be scene again. Bad guys were mowed down by the greatest action stars of the 80s, 90s, and 2000s by the thousands. In one scene, Chuck Norris kills about 50 people without so much as glancing at them. 

The lack of characterization and importance placed on the characters also made this movie that much better. The main bad guy, who is introduced by holding Liam Hemsworth's character hostage, is literally named Villan. That is how little this movie cares about your opinion. It names the villain a near phonetically identical name as the word itself. The characters need no introduction, they are the bad asses that everyone grew up with in their youth, and all you need to now is that they have one goal, to gain revenge and kill anyone that is in their way. Yes they have names, but I literally don't remember any of them, to me, they are Stallone and Crews, Li and Willis, Norris and Lundgren, and all that matters is they kick ass and spout one liners like it ain't no ones business. They have a monopoly on ass kicking, and are relentless in spitting out half baked one liners, and I absolutely would not have it any other way.

Thank God for these men.


This movie is the epitome of all things awesome and funny, and everyone on earth has an obligation to watch, salivate, and fall in love with The Expendables 2. No feature film will ever surpass it; well, I digress, Expendables 3 is definitely going to blow its predecessor out of the water.